Let’s be clear about one thing: We are never recoverED, we are always in RecovERY. The sooner one accepts that recovery isn’t a mountain top to reach but rather hills and valleys to navigate and discover, the sooner we break free from being defined by our mental health diagnosis.
Borderline Personality Disorder is something I thought I left in my 20’s. Just when I thought I was symptom free, I began dating and my mind went head first into the abandonment train. Never mind that said human didn’t exist in my life give or take three weeks ago. Never mind that said human had done all the things to show me they were interested. Never mind that said human allowed me to be real, raw, and myself in every instance I had been with them. BPD doesn’t care, she will find any moment to make you question if you’re being abandoned. She’s been hiding out and is ready to rear her ugly head.
Sit with the fear, discomfort, uncertainty? Not on her watch. My thoughts say, “Fuck sitting with the urges.” The DBT skills start popping in, begging me to use them. They tell me to urge surf. This means avoiding acting on behaviors that you want to stop. For me, it’s seeking validation from another. So I need to sit with the urge to put out the feelers to receive the validation. PLEASE skills are needed to take care of yourself, prevent vulnerability to emotional distress, and help your mental health by taking care of your physical health. I write more about it here.
Back to dating with BPD. She feels her heart flutter, the Oxytocin floods in, the pleasurable moments are lasting, she even says, “How is this so easy?” And just when the safety net catches her, she sounds the sirens: Get. The. Fuck. Out. before they kick you out.
What does this look like now? Desperation, puppy eyes, a baby holding out an umbilical cord craving nutrients from another, a bottomless well of validation, it’s never enough. It can never be enough. It’s knowing the patterns and trying to rationalize with an emotion mind that is a pin ball machine, lights going off in every corner of your brain. Chaos. It’s absolutely ludicrous. How can someone have such a hold on your emotions when they didn’t exist even 3 weeks ago?
Because it’s not THE HUMAN that has the hold, it’s you. It’s your fear. It’s your reminders of abandonment. It’s your attachment style, formed before your thoughts could click. It’s a feeling that repeats over and over, the human is just the vehicle. They are not in control. We are in control. Maybe not in control of the sirens, but we are in the driver seat. And we can drive, but the sirens aren’t going anywhere, they are coming along. So why not sit. For a moment. Lean in to the sirens. Plug your ears. Take a deep breath. Press pause. You got this. You are whole. This isn’t real. This is all imagined. Breathe. Please breathe.
Remember, you existed before they did. You existed, fully and whole. It’s okay to feel. Feel this AND resist any urge to try to push the feeling away. That’s how we get stuck. Crying out for the validation that holds us for a moment in time, until we find another hidden clue that they don’t love us, that they never can or will. I feel absurd even writing about this. I feel too proud to admit that feeling romantic feelings for humans can derail me. But you know what, I didn’t derail. I got off the train. I made a choice. I slowed down. I did my best. And I can always do better.
How did I climb out of this trap this time?
⁃ I turned on my diffuser: peppermint and lemon
⁃ I blasted music
⁃ I lit a candle
⁃ I called my Mom
⁃ I answered a phone call from my friend
⁃ I found a job and applied to it
⁃ I worked on my website
⁃ I started writing this
⁃ I walked my dog
⁃ I brushed my teeth and washed my face
⁃ I laid on the floor and hugged my dog
⁃ I drank some water
⁃ I posted on Instagram
⁃ I texted a friend
It doesn’t take one coping skill, it takes a Mary Poppins bag. You never know what you’ll need, but you better be prepared with a variety. This is called coping ahead. We have to equip you with what works for you. We all need different armor.
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